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The choices I made as a new mum for better mental health!
Hi, my name is Leah, and I have two children. Judah is aged three, and Nova is one and a half.
I was and still feel part of the ‘Two Under Two Club’. It is a sophisticated club – full of unwashed hair, laundry piles four times the size of the washing machine you can’t get near, sticky worktops and walls, stained carpets, a car dirtier than an actual bin lorry, and tears… so many tears. Literally, someone is always crying. And if it isn’t one of my two children, it’s the dog. And if it isn’t the dog, it’s me. It is also a joyful time; I’m forever laughing and trying to delete essential apps on my phone to make room for yet another video of my children eating a snack, in the bath, or performing a song for me on top of their make-shift stage. Mostly it is a rendition of ‘funky chicken’ that is missing an essential letter that changes the word ‘funky’ into something entirely hilarious. I have gained so much in this season of my life; love, laughter, weight, pride as I’ve never felt before, more weight, and the knowledge of how beautiful the world is through a little child’s eyes.
I have lost a good bit too. A social life, sleep, a sense of self, a balanced diet, what I thought my purpose was, my confidence, my sanity at times, my temper too many times, some weight, my intolerance to having literal poop on my hands, and my idea of what a ‘lie in’ is (it is now to 7 am at the very latest.)
My mind? O goodness. I lost that three years ago when my first son was born. Not really, but there were times it felt like that. It was the biggest transition of my life. I was never a maternal person. I had never minded a baby before or even changed a nappy. When I was handed my little newborn son, I felt entirely unqualified and ill-equipped to be his mother. I loved him fiercely but had no clue how to provide him with all his other needs.
The first two weeks were very overwhelming.
The birth had not been easy, with being induced 12 days overdue, then labour for two days, to finally being c-sectioned due to his head being stuck and his heart rate plummeting. My husband and I were left a little traumatised. My recovery from the section was slow and made worse by how awful and painful I found breastfeeding. I tried so hard for three weeks, but I couldn’t shake off the mastitis and was eventually brought to the hospital as my son had become unwell, which they suspected was due to me being on antibiotics. I felt like a failure on all accounts … ‘failure to progress’ in labour and failure to breastfeed. My husband was also experiencing low mood due to feeling overwhelmed, watching me in agony and feeling helpless, trying to support me in breastfeeding but also wanting me to stop putting myself under that pressure. It was a trying time for us all.
I’m thankful that I have great support from my mum, who had a similar experience in her early mothering days and was able to encourage me that not being able to breastfeed did not make me a failure as a mum. She and a few other close friends could counteract the pressure I was putting myself under with it, and I eventually made the decision to bottle feed. At that point, peace came over my household; I slept more, my husband felt more helpful, and I no longer felt the guilt of not enjoying this ‘bonding moment’ that I had come to, quite frankly, despise. I was able to enjoy my son more and, ironically, bond with him more. I felt more emotionally and mentally positive. This choice to bottle feed was my first lesson on prioritising my maternal mental health. I needed to recognise the signs that my mood had been low, locate what was negatively impacting that, assess if anything could be changed to help, utilise the support around me, not be hard on myself and ultimately make a decision that might not be what everyone else was doing or advising - but was right for my family and me.
A year passed with so much joy and 500 sleep regressions. The night before my son’s first birthday, we found out we were pregnant again, a little earlier than we had planned, but nevertheless, it was exciting! I felt more confident this time around. A planned C-section and not putting pressure on myself to breastfeed (once I started to encounter the same issues) positively impacted my mental health. I was excited about this maternity as my last one with my son was during the COVID-19 pandemic, and all the classes I had signed up for were closed, which had felt lonely at times. I am an extrovert to my core. I need company and feel revived from a conversation (especially a witty conversation) with other parents. I find that if I feel overwhelmed or am very tired from the lack of sleep I now get, simply getting out of the house to chat with others really helps me.
These groups also helped me with the unbearable guilt that I couldn’t split myself into two. Judah was 20 months and needed to be entertained. Nova had terrible reflux, so it would take over an hour to feed her. She didn’t take a dummy, and her only comfort was being held by her mother. Neither of my children’s basic needs could be met at the same time, and so a day in the house usually resulted in too much screen time for my toddler or a screaming, hungry baby. Getting out to mother and tots groups meant that my son could paint and play with other children, and I could hold Nova or put her in the sling and walk around with Judah, talking to the other parents. This both met the needs of my children whilst also helping me with the guilt and the feeling of being overwhelmed, which could feel isolating at times. I was so thankful for the parents I met in the groups, many of whom were in the same ‘Two Under Two Club’. So the conversations included a lot of empathy, understanding, helpful advice, many great jokes, and the feeling of not being alone. Although I have friends who felt revived after a day alone in the house, I understood that my needs differed from theirs, and I needed out for adult conversation. (Even though the actual activity of making it out of the house with two small children is absolute hell on earth, I mean, I literally would only apply mascara in the car because my own tears prior to this would have relocated it to my chin- still getting out of the house to these groups was worth it for my mental health!) This choice was my second lesson on prioritising my mental health – to recognise that along with trying hard to meet my children’s needs, I also needed to identify my own specific needs to ensure that, where possible, they could also be met.
Having babies is fantastic, and I am so grateful to have gotten to experience pregnancy and being a mother. However, if you ever felt insecure about your body and figure before you got pregnant… gaining pounds like Jeff Bezos’ bank account does not help. Spending your mortgage on bio-oil to still have your stomach look like it’s been clawed by a wild animal does not help. Getting out of the shower and having the urge to run past everything reflective does not help. The being told your C-section scar would look tiny to the realisation you will forever look like your entire stomach has been ‘underlined’ and that even when high-waisted garments are no longer in fashion, you will still be wearing them... yeah…none of those things helps. I definitely would say that how much my body changed after having kids affected my self-confidence and did, at times, cause me to feel low in mood.
When Nova was four months old, I decided to do something about it. I realised that although I couldn’t do anything about the scars, I could do something to feel more like myself. Being pregnant, you have no control over your body changing. I had healed quicker than my first birth experience, and so I wanted to gain a little bit of control back and hopefully some more confidence in my appearance. I downloaded fitness pal and started monitoring my portion sizes a little more whilst also not cutting out any foods completely that attributed to my happiness, e.g. bread and chocolate, chocolate spread on bread, and chocolate bread. I joined my local gym, which is full of all shapes and sizes, and offers classes run by an absolutely hilarious woman who leads with enthusiasm and the use of many profanities. I started to enjoy this time to myself, or sometimes I would meet some of my other mum friends there. It was a break from mothering. Nobody was pulling my clothes or climbing over me. There wasn’t the lingering smell of poop, not that I’m claiming the gym smelt good in any way, but it was a welcomed different smell if I’m honest. And it was one hour where I didn’t need to listen to the soundtrack of Cocomelon. At first, I felt so unfit and like I would never make it to the end of the class; however, I started to see my strength improve quickly, which became very empowering. As much as being able to zip up clothes that had been gathering dust for three years was a significant confidence boost, I have to say it was seeing my fitness capability increase that brought me the most unexpected empowerment. I’ve never been a sporty person – but I would return home from the gym feeling refreshed with more energy to be a level-headed mum for my kids. When parenting, you are giving out a lot of yourself, which your small children need from you, and you are thrilled to do; however, in order to do that well, I needed to do something for myself every day so that I didn’t burn out.
Exercise for me has now progressed into running. My husband is a fantastic runner, and one thing I have realised about runners is that it is their favourite conversation. I wanted to understand more about what my husband was talking about in terms of pace, times and its positive impact on his mental health. I went out for my first run on my first Mother’s Day as a member of the ‘Two under Two’ club. I’ve been running ever since and recently completed a half marathon. I legit would need another blog dedicated to my experience of running and the positive impact it has had on my mental health, but for now, I would say getting out into nature, listening to your body and recognising its progress and strength is invaluable to helping you think and feel more positively about your life, situations, rationalise your ability as a parent and your physical appearance. It is also one hour of choosing your playlist - what a dream! The choice to exercise was my third lesson on prioritising my maternal mental health. Taking time out of my day to do this for myself gives me the physical, emotional and mental strength to be a better mum to my kids.
The last choice, which I have to choose to make daily, is to not compare myself to other mothers or even to my husband. Just because my natural skillset looks different to theirs, or that my needs are different to some of the other parents I look up to and admire, it doesn’t mean I am not as good as them. I’m just different. I need first to meet my children's needs, but to keep doing that to the best of my ability; I need to prioritise my own needs and maternal mental health where I can. This involves unfollowing accounts on social media platforms that cause me to compare myself in a negative light to others. I don’t relate to mothers who have spotless houses, bake beautiful masterpieces with their children all day, or have clearly started a homeschooling programme with their 2-month-old. My house often looks like 20 people live there, my baking is a quarter-year activity, and regardless of the recipe, it always comes out a burnt blob that we messily cover in unnatural-coloured icing sugar. My toddler is very smart, and everything he has learnt has been from Blippi or his grandparents. Apart from songs, he learns a lot of them from me, most of which are 90’s pop tunes. I have learnt that in order to combat the negative feelings that come from comparing myself to other parents, I need to speak out loud the things I am good at as a mum because I am too quick to say what I am not good at. My kids are hilarious and know how to tell a good joke because I am hilarious, to be honest. My kids have amazing imaginations because I make up stories all day, and we daily look outside the window at the huge dinosaurs and hunt in the garden for fairies. I can talk with my toddler about his feelings because I am very in touch with my own, and so I teach him to understand his own and to be kind and respectful of the feelings of others. As parents, we are exhausted, tried and tested every day; we are already emotionally and mentally vulnerable. So we need not allow ourselves to be exposed to what causes us harm emotionally or mentally. I now only follow hilarious accounts that I can relate to, making me feel sane and not alone.
These choices create balance in my life and build me up so that I am physically and mentally more able to give everything I can to my children, including teaching them how important it is always to make choices in their lives that will prioritise their mental health.
